The New Zoo Review The Iowa Caucuses

What really rankles Republicans and especially the “Teabaggers” is that Obama threw the ultimate turd in the Republican punch bowl.
From The WarZone

The New Zoo Review
The Iowa Caucuses
by Mike Griffin
mgriffwzef(at) comcast.net

“Warning”—the following article is intended as political satire and any similarity to reality is intended!

While the Iowa caucuses offers the first step in the long process to buy a position in the White House it also offers the average American insight into the level of dysfunction and malice in the GOP {Gods of Profit}as well as how little “we the people” have in common with them. As a father of six I have taken my family to different zoos but I have never seen anything like the collection of nasty critters that pounced on Iowa.
The frontrunner, Romney the Shark, is perhaps the slickest one of the bunch. Qualification, honesty, and integrity don’t really matter when you have a gazillion dollars to finance bundles of deceptive and misleading ads. With no real journalists in today’s media you can buy any persona you choose. Much of Romney’s gold came from his legalized loan-sharking as CEO of Bain Capital. His American dream came at the expense of thousands of hardworking Americans and their families whose jobs and hopes he destroyed as a “Corporate Predator”. Behind that toothy grin lies the ruthless, soulless corporate raider that cannot sustain his claim that he created 100,000 jobs. That has now changed to “thousands of jobs”, which is great for the Chinese workers who have them. Romney has a long history of credibility gaps including bashing the Obama administration for the same programs he carried out as Governor. He touts his corporate experience as making him qualified for the Oval Office. Imagine Romney selling off the assets of government agencies and wiping out years of service for federal employees; but only the agencies that hinder the greed of his corporate playmates. The last influence democracy needs is corporate influence.
Romney has a history of taking one stand for one group and yet another for other groups that can benefit his thirst for power. One party challenger, “a liar himself” branded Romney a liar, and rightly so. Misstatements, misquotes, and all the other catchwords CNN, ABC, Fox and the others like to throw around are nothing more than clever covers for “damn lies”. He has a worse rollover record than a 47 Willeys jeep. As the primary moves forward it is clear the media moguls have chosen Romney to lead the assault on “we the people”.
The most brazen critter is Newt the Grinch, just in time for the holidays. I’m not sure what species a Grinch is but I believe it’s a cross between a reptile and a slug. With a record like Newt’s one would think he would remain slithering in anonymity. This pudgy reptile was the first Speaker of the House in US history to bring reproach to that office and was reprimanded by his peers. A thorough investigation would likely have gotten him some hard time in the Big House. He got awful rich peddling influence.
The Grinch likes to tout his infamous Contract with America which turned out to be a contract on America. He claims to have helped his idol, Ronald McDonald[Reagan] create 20,000,000[that’s million] jobs. Apparent the Newt is exaggerating[lying] or unemployment would have been zero. With Reagan at the helm, labor unions, working people and the poor were under constant assault. Reagan’s “trickle down” theory was a disaster for ordinary Americans. Just like Reagan’s illusionary “Welfare Cadillac” Newt is openly bashing the poor he helped create. As the debates moved on to New Hampshire , then South Carolina, the Grinch has increased his attack on food stamp recipients and the disenfranchised he helped create because those tired old lyrics of plantation mentality plays well in Dixie. Newt is the Grand Wizard of the Corporate Klu Klux Klan in a pen striped suit.
Just as questionable, his personal life fares no better. He cheated on his first wife, who was suffering with cancer with his second wife, then cheated of his second wife with his third wife. What! There are three women in America who wants to screw a Grinch? Folks; you can’t make this stuff up! This GOP mob is national reality theater at its best.
Suppose American voters had a total lapse in memory, went totally blind for the election cycle, and lost their ability to reason [most Republicans do] and elected this Grinch. What would we call his wife? Would she be, the third first lady, the second other woman, or will Newt have another one by inauguration day? The Mormons can’t get one up on old Newt! I will concede Newt is not a polygamist. Newt is a pigamist; he wants more women than he’s entitled to. We have examined photos and after closely studying her “Do”, we suspect it may be the Donald in drag. This is the “Family Values” party?
The best thing for America and democracy is for the Grinch to go back and hunker down in the woods just outside Dipstick Georgia, don his white sheet, and to the tune of dueling banjos, squeal like a corporate pig.
How about Governor Rick Perry, the Sloth. I’m not sure how many toes he has so I doubt if he can count that far. In the “fluff” pieces CNN does on Perry you can almost see the Bush in his demeanor and intellect. It’s the water in Texas. I think poor old Rick dug the outhouse too close to the well. He can’t remember what three agencies he would get rid of and I doubt he can remember why. His keeper hasn’t given him all the answers yet. Three toes, three agencies, that’s a lot to comprehend. George Bush had the same problem as does Ron Paul. It’s got be the water. It clouds the memory, dulls the intellect and heightens the ability to tell lies, exaggerate, and deceive. But, this is the “Family Values” party.
Not to be bested by Romney, Perry claims to have created millions of jobs. It’s probably more but he ran out of toes or it could be a misstatement, you know; a damn lie! Well it may not be millions but there has been some. They are mostly in the state’s privatized prison system which houses prisoners from all over America making millions for the owners and stealing jobs from the private sector. In their prison system, inmates process license renewals, vehicle registrations, credit card data and even airline reservations. These jobs have directly impacted unemployment in the private sector. While providing a virtual gold mine for prison owners, prisoners work for pennies. There are exceptions, when prisoners were stealing from credit card accounts and running stolen car theft rings from inside the prisons with friends on the outside. The only drawback is Texas’ love affair with executions which impacts the slave labor force. I can see the family values in this system and the Christian influence on Perry’s values. Kill or enslave? It’s not the God I believe in.
Have you ever noticed when you visit some of the many zoos throughout America, aside from the exotic creatures you expect, the American squirrel always finds a way in? That would be Ron Paul and his soul mate, Michelle Bachman. Squirrels always nest in pairs. Even if you overlooked the water in Texas, there is little to excuse the credibility he’s been given by the mainstream media given the fact they have kept legitimate third party candidates out of the debates and media coverage. Paul throws out a few caveats in sound bites but falls far short in substance.
Like most squirrels he waves his tail, barks loudly, then dances and weaves around real substance. Dr. No, as he is referred to by fellow Republican congressmen, has no plan to restore America other than his love affair with the corporate elite and the belief that if we all just give the rich everything, drastically cut agencies that hinder their ability to pollute, steal, abuse labor, rape and pillage, our economy will recover. Just imagine, a Love Canal for every front lawn, a Bhopal for every neighborhood, a little asbestosis for every worker, and then all Ron Paul’s America needs is to find a way to get rid of Jews, Hispanics, African Americans and all the others his newsletter has bashed. This reinforces his views against abortion as it becomes clear why we will need the new bodies. Somebody has to do the work.
Even his stand against the right to choose has serious flaws. Had he been in favor of abortion, America might have been spared Paul’s demon seed in Kentucky, Rand Paul. Nuts don’t fall far from the tree either. Mrs. Paul has been AWOL from the caucuses and I don’t blame her. She may be busy making fish sticks or she just recognizes there is something fishy about Ron and Rand. Could it be that Ron Paul is not in the race to win but serve as a shill to move the Republican Party further to the right; you know, a little closer to fascism? I think “tea baggers” is a fitting description of this extremist movement. When it comes to stroking the corporate scrotum, they are the best.
The other squirrel dropped out of the Iowa caucus, got on her broom and flew back to Minnesota. If you’ve ever watched squirrels at feeding time, there’s only room in the tree for one. Bachman’s “I’m goofier than the other candidates” campaign didn’t catch on in Iowa. Maybe she can hook up with Sara Palin and write a new book of humor comprised of stupid campaign statements. It would be as thick as War and Peace.
As it turns out, Rick the Weasel Santorum won the Iowa vote. Now that’s scary! Santorum’s campaign was based on his anti-Obama rhetoric and his Grandfather’s legacy of being a mineworker. Old Rick almost had a real job before he became rich and devious. Perhaps his obsession with homosexuality and food stamp recipients appealed to Iowans. A little racism and welfare bashing plays well withIowa agriculture leaders. Feeding the poor and supporting the elderly and unemployed takes money away from milk price supports, subsidizing ethanol, reduced taxes on farm land and license fees for agriculture related vehicles. Imagine if there was no money to pay farmers not to farm. Like most weasels, the louder he squealed, the more attention he got.
Not to be outdone by the exaggerations [lies] of the other candidates Santorum claims to have created tons of jobs. Some were created by the “Pork Barrel” projects he snared for his home state. Now he rails against them. Fearing his re-election would suffer in heavily unionized Pennsylvania, he stood against “right to work legislation”. That was one of the few times he actually represented working people. but wouldn’t you know it; now he’s flipped. With his eye on the Oval Office he has to please his corporate masters to get his blood money.
Most troubling was his statement about bombing Iran. No doubt the scumbags in the oil and defense industries are breaking out their checkbooks, but putting this inexperienced warmonger in the Whitehouse is scary. While killing off more of our kids and grandkids in phony oil wars has been an effective way for Republicans to lower unemployment, but I think bringing back jobs they outsourced with trade agreements would be a little more humane. I believe Americans are a little fed up with elite cowards sending the working class and the poor off to wars they refuse to serve in. Perhaps Santorum is comfortable joining the ranks with George W Bush, Dick Cheney and Rumpledforeskin
I’m not running for President but I have a solution for Iran. Dress up the Santorum clan in sweater vests, round up Rick Perry’s old chamber pots for helmets, put them in the old Dodge station wagon; strap Mitt Romney’s dog on top and send them to Iran. The dog could sniff out the IEDs on the journey and the Santorums could bore the Iranians to death. Two hours of Rick whining about Obama should do it.
The Iowa caucuses were spectacles worthy of a movie sequel. Not “The Field of Dreams”, “The Children of the Corn”.
What really rankles Republicans and especially the “Teabaggers” is that Obama threw the ultimate turd in the Republican punch bowl. He stole their thunder by passing much of their agenda. He is smarter, a better dancer, just as conservative and he can wiggle his ears while chewing up the constitution. If he wasn’t African American, he’d fit right in. He surrounded himself with the same corporate elitists including the poster child for the National Chamber of Commerce, Rahm Emmauel. They hate him because he has cleaned up some of little George’s mess but he actually had the gall to take money they would have given corporations to help working Americans, the poor and the elderly; “WE the people”.
Mike Griffin
Decatur IL

The next article—Beyond Iowa, The Crooked Road to Tyranny!!!