Take Back Scotts Valley Launched

Inspired by the recent success of proto-vigilante group Take Back Santa Cruz, a new community organization concerned about deteriorating property value and lack of Chilis restaurants called Take Back Scotts Valley is being launched. Citing the recent upsurge in idle teenagers with skateboards, dirty limericks on bathroom walls, and potholes at the entrances of shopping malls, TBSV is vowing to "make Scotts Valley safer and more obedient," to all who reside there or happen to pass through.

"We're tired of the liberal media being so quiet about criminal behavior in our community," TBSV founder Mary Crackaton said while watching closed circuit television from the multiple surveillance cameras she's installed around her house. "The Santa Cruz Sentinel for instance only prints crime stories on the front page five days a week - I really think it should be seven."

Crackaton went on to explain the philosophy behind TBSV, "We're all about making the hard streets and cul de sacs of Scotts Valley safe and free from non-pharmaceutically prescribed, non-alcoholic drugs, gangs/socialists and disrespectful teens." When asked what differentiates TBSV from TBSC, Crackaton had this to say, "We're definitely on the same page about showing up at courtrooms to intimidate judges, hanging out on sidewalks that we'd usually just drive right past, and supporting the police whether they're right or wrong but we also plan to host barbecues."

Scotts Valley resident and TBSV member Rick Shunary agreed, "If the liberal judges don't start getting tough with the criminal elements of our society, then we're gonna start getting tough on the judges." When asked what were the larger issues at play regarding criminality and what to do about the United States' overflowing prison population, Shunary scoffed, "That's liberal elitist book-learning talk - you must be a socialist. You askin' me if we need more jails? You askin' me if we need more police officers? Well, lemme ask you this Mr. Smarty Social-Justice-pants: does a bear shit in the woods?"

There remain however a few folks not so thrilled about another proto-vigilante group posing as a community-safety organization. Take Back Santa Cruz member Bryan Hoonerty had this to say, "If folks wanna start their own vigilante-in-training group, that's cool, but if they're gonna use the phrase, 'Take Back' then I think they oughta pay us a trademark fee or something. I mean, this is a capitalist country, ain't nothing free cept' tax breaks for the rich, so pay us bee-yatch."

Nonetheless, Take Back Scotts Valley is confident their message of safety through intimidation will resonate with residents regardless of name.

"TBSC needs to think outside the box," Crackaton said. "TBSV might someday be able to install Medieval wooden stocks outside Starbucks for teen vandals and pickpockets. So what's in a name? A public flogging of thieves would be just as sweet under any name."