I am really proud to be half Palestinian

Marsilina/Germany
“I'm really proud to be half Palestinian. Thank you all for helping me achieve this dream.”
Marcelina/ Germany



We were watching a sad film about Palestine. I felt so sad, because I realized, that everything it showed was an unbelievable reality. When the film was over, the only positive feeling I had was the fact that I was there. I was in the same place. In Palestine. I knew now, that life still went on there (not only in Germany), after the TV was turned off. Also, to feel better, because I was doing something. But, then I thought over it. Were we really doing something? I looked around me and I was shocked, it was very hard for me to understand how some of the volunteers were singing happy songs after watching such a sad film. “Is this the Western arrogance and ignorance to show that you are a cheerful person that loves life and wants to enjoy it? How is life enjoyed, when you know how many other people have to suffer?” I didn’t understand this. I didn’t understand the logic of this world. I didn’t understand how some of the internationals said, “I don’t want to watch films. I came here to stop watching Palestine only on TV.” Then, I felt helpless, but I was sure that I was the one who was right. But, I understood that I wasn’t, when a local volunteer said to me, “What’s wrong? Why are you so sad?” I responded, “We saw a sad film, you know…” And, her answer was, “We have enough sad faces here, we are not in need for more.’”

Suddenly, I was the one who felt ashamed. I had the impression that I maybe had misunderstood the word sympathy…I was really confused.

Well, what was the meaning of solidarity then? Why had nobody explained it to me?

Wasn’t it showing your feelings of despair, rage and anger or to hide them and to show consideration instead, giving the Palestinians what they are in need for? Are the Palestinian people more in need of the smiles on our faces we can share with them? More than the tears, despite the fact we are not in the mood to be easygoing and to have fun, when we see things that make us scream, shout and cry inside?

Plans that changed everyday, work that was cancelled due to the invasion, no way to go out, because it was too dangerous, clashes in the Old City of Nablus, the frustrations were growing. What were we there for? We came to Palestine to help Palestinians, to show solidarity, not to watch the bad news and discuss politics! We were volunteers and we had only three weeks. How can we stay in our flats because of the curfew?

Everybody was looking for someone to hold responsible for this development at the work camp. Lots of troubles began not only outside, but also inside our group. A lot of volunteers decided to leave the camp, they didn’t want to waste their time waiting for an end to the Israeli invasion. I also started thinking about leaving Nablus, there was so much to do and see.

Expectations were unfulfilled. Motivation turned into frustration. Inactivity and the feeling of being useless was growing. What was it for? Why did it happen to me? But, it didn’t just happen to me. Suddenly, I accepted and understood the situation, it was the situation of all the other Palestinians, too. It was the feeling of being helpless, bored and not able to do anything. This was the reality we had to accept.

Of course, it was good that some volunteers left the camp and helped somewhere else outside Nablus where there was no invasion. But, I realized, how fast we lose our patience after some days, even if we know that we can leave whenever we want, while thousands of inhabitants can’t leave. They cannot do anything, they have to accept this inactivity and the difficult circumstances that destroy any kind of motivation and growth. Aggressions and depressions, hope and despair, that is not only in the political situation, but also reflected in the everyday life and relations of the people. This is another lesson I had to learn. It is a big mistake to have any kind of expectations for a success of plans, expectations of changing everything, by working and making fast efforts in order to feel useful. We were not really useful, but our experience was how it feels to be a Palestinian, caged like an animal, humiliated, afraid and reduced to think about food while the Israeli tanks don’t let you even sleep at night. There was also the boredom, frustration, feeling useless, powerless, helpless, getting into troubles and living in a life with rumours about the withdrawal all the time.

I shared these feelings with Palestinians. Now, I think I understand the meaning of real solidarity, a completely different kind of solidarity, than we all had planned in a different world, where people are free and responsible for themselves.

I am very happy that I went out there. It’s been a very great experience and it means so much to me, as my father is Palestinian. It was so important for me to come here to learn about Palestinian culture. Palestine has long been a dream for me, but part of me was afraid to see this dream. However, now that I have come here, I’m really proud to be half Palestinian. Thank you all for helping me realize this dream.