What Marriage Means to Gays: All That Law Allows Others

"For one thing, we are in love and want to announce it publicly before the whole world," said Curtis L. Woolbright, 36, who wants to marry his partner of three years, Daniel S. Reyes, 30. "But we also want all the advantages straight couples get for the price of a $35 marriage license down at City Hall."

Angered by restrictions against same-sex marriage, Mr. Woolbright and Mr. Reyes signed on to a lawsuit by the Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund, which is suing the State of New York to allow gay couples to marry. Same-sex couples in the United States cannot get recognition of their marriage on the federal level, as a result of the Defense of Marriage Act signed by President Bill Clinton in 1996.

That law states that all of the more than 1,100 references to marriage in federal law cannot be applied to same-sex couples. Many of those references use marriage to determine benefits and privileges for such things as immigration rights, shared filing of income taxes and veterans' and Social Security benefits.

Homosexual couples eager to formalize their relationship do have options short of a lawsuit or a legally contentious marriage ceremony. Couples can hire a lawyer to create a legal framework that mimics some aspects of marriage, such as inheritance rights, sharing of property and visitation rights in hospitals.

Some cities, including New York, have domestic-partnership programs that offer limited benefits under city regulations, like succession rights for rent-stabilized apartments and survivor benefits for city employees. Some jurisdictions - New York State is one of the few nationwide - have made as yet untested statements offering recognition of same-sex marriages that are legally performed in countries like Canada and the Netherlands, or of civil unions that take place in Vermont.

For all those options, though, Mr. Woolbright still insists on marriage. The city's domestic-partnership program "may be among the best in the country, and a legal structure may be reassuring, but I don't want them," said he, who lives in Harlem. "But they don't offer as much protection as a marriage, and they cost too much."

Describing himself and his partner as the kind of people who go to lengths to save a few dollars in sales tax with a shopping trip to New Jersey, Mr. Woolbright said most gay couples simply cannot afford the most basic legal advice on how to protect themselves as a couple.

Mr. Woolbright and his partner split their rent and share one checking and one savings account and are both working to pay off Mr. Reyes's university loans, but under the law the two men are strangers, with none of the special rights and protections conferred on a married couple.

"We talked to a lawyer about legally formalizing our relationship, and he immediately started speaking about thousands of dollars," Mr. Woolbright said. "I am a waiter at a Midtown steakhouse, and my partner works for a nonprofit, so there is no way we can afford it."

Even when a couple can afford the best legal approximation of a marriage, the benefits are limited and remain open to challenge.

"Even the wealthiest couples taking full advantage of everything a lawyer can offer can never be secure in knowing they are fully protected," said Judith E. Turkel, a lawyer who has represented lesbian and gay couples for more than 20 years. "I sometimes have remote relatives - who have never met the deceased - challenging a will intended to leave everything to a surviving partner of many, many years."

The most harrowing consequences can come with a medical emergency, as James Krause, 53, learned three years ago when he took his partner of 15 years, Brendan Daly, 54, to a hospital in Westchester County with creeping paralysis brought on by shingles.

"When I drove Brendan to the hospital, the numbness had spread from his feet up to the waist, and doctors said it could hit his respiratory system", Mr. Krause said. "But after he checked in, specifically writing down my name as nearest relative and spouse, they didn't let me visit him."

Mr. Krause said that both the attending physician and a neurologist refused to let him see Mr. Daly or learn about his medical condition for nine days.

"The doctor hung up the phone on me even though we had mutual health care proxies, powers of attorney and living wills", Mr. Krause said. "Six days after he had gone into the hospital, I finally had to sneak past a guard to see Brendan."

Since then, Mr. Krause and Mr. Daly have moved to Westchester, partly because the move enables them to register under the county's domestic-partner system.

"As registered partners and legal residents, they can no longer deny visitation rights," said Mr. Krause, who said he had been treated for congestive heart failure. "If something happens in another county, we could face all the same problems."

Choosing to live in a place that accepts gay couples has been all-important to Doug Robinson, 53, and Michael J. Elsasser, 49, of Manhattan. Partners for 17 years, the men have raised two adopted boys, Justin, 18, and Zachary, 15, from infancy.

As it stands, however, only Mr. Robinson has full parental rights. Like many gay couples with adopted children, the men arranged a single-parent adoption, which would not be necessary or even possible for a married couple. "We have been meaning to go through with the second-parent adoption, but it is intrusive and can cost several thousand dollars," Mr. Robinson said. "We are busy raising the boys and seem to spend all our spare money on sneakers, summer camp and tutors."

By choosing to live in a relatively gay-friendly city, the men hope to minimize complications. To ensure Mr. Elsasser's ability to act on behalf of their children, they have signed a series of health care documents that they hope will be respected in an emergency.

"Society sends very strange signals with the current setup," Mr. Elsasser said. "Gay couples are told that we can adopt a kid, but we cannot give him or her a legally recognized family."

Beyond recognition from the government and hospitals, however, Mr. Elsasser said his family had been financially penalized by private companies that refuse to recognize spousal rights for everything from health club memberships and frequent flyer miles to museum entry and extra drivers on rental cars.

"You may be able to count the government rights and benefits given in relation to marriage," Mr. Elsasser said. "But it is impossible measure the advantages given to married couples by companies."