BUSH RESIGNS!

BUSH RESIGNS! LEAVES COUNTRY WITH INNER CIRCLE.
Allegations of coercion dismissed as ‘nonsense.’
‘No connection to oil threat, no secret occupation plan,’ says Caracas.

Washington, D.C. - In a surprise move, which has left jaws sagging inside the beltway and tongues wagging in capitols
around the world, U.S. President George W. Bush has resigned and left the country, taking with him members of his
immediate family, Chief of Staff Karl Rove, Secretary of State Colin Powel, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld,
National Security Advisor Dr. Condoleeza Rice, his dog and Vice President Dick Chaney.

The Bush party left Washington in the pre-dawn darkness this morning accompanied by an escort of Venezuelan Special
Forces personnel in red berets and full battle dress. Observers disagreed as to whether or not the former president appeared
to be in handcuffs.

The entourage was whisked by helicopter to Reagan International Airport where they boarded an unmarked Learjet sent by
the government of President Hugo Chavez. The destination of the flight has not been confirmed, although undisclosed
sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, have mentioned Cuba, Saint Kitts, a walled compound in the Amazon, or a
cave complex in Afghanistan as likely alternatives.

The Venezuelan government denies that any coercion was involved, stating that Bush’s decision was totally voluntary.

Speaking on CNN from his oil-rich South American nation, President Hugo Chavez labeled claims by Bush supporters that
the former supremely selected and divinely chosen U.S. leader had been kidnapped as “nonsense.” “That damn fool
asshole left of his own accord,” Chavez said.

But other sources, close to events, point to Chavez’ recent threats to cut off oil shipments to the U.S. as a possible
motivation for Bush’s unexpected move. Bush is known to be very sensitive to oil prices.
“I believe my spiritual awakening started well before the price of oil went below $9 [per barrel],” he told one interviewer.

Venezuelan officials vehemently deny any connection between Bush’s sudden departure and threats of an oil cut-off. “We
would never use coercion as a means of removing Christ’s Regent on earth from office. Former President Bush talks to
God, you know, and was probably acting on His advice,” a Chavez spokesperson said.

In his resignation letter, faxed to US embassies in a Spanish translation from Caracas, Bush said he was making the
decision “…in the hope of averting global climate change, ending bloodshed in the Middle East, slowing the country’s
descent into a police state, and reversing the U.S. government’s plunge toward bankruptcy and forced privatization of its
assets….”

In his final official orders as President, Bush dissolved the U.S. Congress and Supreme Court, and instructed NORAD’s
Air Defense Command to suspend normal procedures and order all military aircraft to “stand-down just like youall did on
9/11….” No U.S. jet fighters were scrambled as the Venezuelan jet carrying him and his inner circle took off, its window
shades closed, for an unknown destination.

Washington seemed quiet today as people went unconcernedly about their normal daily business. Around the country
people appeared to be accepting this morning's development without much question. But, on the White House lawn small,
vocal groups of Kerry, Nader, Kocinich and Sharpton supporters could be seen arguing over the question of presidential
succession, while bewildered Secret Service agents milled about, apparently wondering who, if anyone, to protect from
whom.

Some observers claimed to have glimpsed Hilary Clinton’s face peering out of the Oval Office window. There is some
speculation that, having lived in the White House before, Senator Clinton may have known a secret entrance.

In his CNN appearance, President Chavez - a recognized leader of the so-called “Bolivarian Revolution,” a transnational
effort aimed at uniting the indigenous, labor, peasant and environmental rights movements across Mexico, Central and
South America ? pooh-poohed reports published in the Washington Post and New York times that Venezuela has secret
plans to occupy the United States and install a government run by Native Americans, Blacks and Chicanos under the
Presidency of Winona LaDuke.

After a brief flurry of trading activity and rate fluctuations this morning, stock and oil prices seemed to stabilize by noon.
Former Vice President and presidential hopeful Al Gore has called for continued calm. U.N. Secretary General Koffi
Annan could not be reached for comment.