How to Defeat the US Army - in Your Underpants!

Most people think that they could never defeat United States Army. The Army possesses
nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons and knows how to use them. They have Apache
helicopters, Abrams tanks, and more depleted uranium rounds than you can shake a stick
at! No one would believe that one man, not even one as strong as Arnold Schwarzenegger,
could defeat the Army. Yet using my method, I was able to defeat the entire United States
Army and gain my freedom – armed with nothing but my underpants. I have a certified letter
from the US government to prove it!

Are you stuck in a stop-loss situation? Are you more restricted in your uniform or
experiencing less freedom of movement? My method can help. Maybe some form of
government encroachment makes you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.
My method can help you too. Yes, even if you are "just" an Iraqi feeling a bit oppressed by
the occupying forces, my method can help you! In fact, this method can help everyone who
wants to regain lost freedom or is feeling oppressed – even if it is not by the US Army!

I was a 165-pound weakling and was forever getting pushed around by the Army. I had
almost no freedom at all, that is, until I discovered my foolproof method. This method took me
years of heartache and frustration to develop, but I am willing to share it with you absolutely
free of charge. Imagine trying to fight the US Army using conventional methods. One shot
and you would very likely be dead! If you took up arms against the US Army, even with "the
most powerful weapons known to man," you would be rubbed out quicker than a Hussein
brother in Mosul. Yet with my method, I was able to take on the entire Army – and win! Let me
tell you my story:

For years, I tried every imaginable way to feel free. I even wanted to defend the freedom of
others. I saw advertisements for other methods on TV. I heard about them on the radio, and
read about them in papers. "Serve your country and defend freedom," they said. "Join the
US Army." So I did. I joined the Army as a West Point Cadet.

The West Point plan of achieving freedom involved a "duty concept." A cadet using the "duty
concept" devoted all the powers of his or her intelligence to twisting logic, distorting facts,
rationalizing, and doing whatever was necessary to justify one’s orders first to oneself, then
to "the troops." A cadet was said to have "internalized" the "duty concept" when he had
completely convinced himself that this was all his own free will. A "good leader" was someone
who excelled at helping others twist logic, distort facts, and rationalize until they, too, believed
it was all their own free will. But the West Point method didn’t work for me. I kept thinking that
intelligence and freedom were the process of reaching decisions based on an objective,
independent analysis of the facts, not a foregone conclusion. On the West Point plan, I felt
like a tool of the state. I did not feel free

Next, I tried the "doctor" plan. Being a doctor is a good thing. I was certain that I would agree
with any orders I received as a physician. I would have to follow orders, but because I would
always agree with my orders, it would be as if I was free. I could pretend that I was reaching
an independent decision, not just following commands. On the "doctor" plan, I was assigned
to the 2nd battalion of the 158th air cavalry regiment at Fort Hood, Texas. Once there, I
discovered that almost all of the Apache helicopter pilots who were my patients were still on
the "West Point" plan. Most of these pilots would follow any orders they were given and would
convince themselves it was the right thing to do, just as long as they got to fly their Apaches,
fire their weapons, and chalk up a few kills.

While on the "doctor" plan at Fort Hood, I watched the cold war end, and I saw the Berlin Wall
fall without a shot. If the United States’ worst enemies could change peacefully, then
nonviolent change was possible in any nation. I was optimistic for peace and freedom.
Perhaps the "doctor" plan would work for me! But while the gigantic, fearsome Soviet Union
collapsed without war, I saw the US Army make an unprovoked assault on the small nation of
Panama. Thousands of innocent Panamanians died. Apparently, every soldier involved in
this assault was able to twist logic, distort facts, rationalize, and do whatever was necessary
to justify their orders. I recalled the invasion of the tiny island of Grenada occurring under
similar circumstances. I was not aware of a single soldier that had refused either assault. My
hopes for success on the "doctor" plan were dashed. I felt like a maintenance man for the
tools of murder and oppression.

I turned to the "CO" (Conscientious Objector) plan in February of 1990. This plan required
me to ask the Army to give me my freedom. I made it clear to my commanders that neither
the "West Point" plan nor the "doctor" plan had worked for me. I did not think I was defending
freedom. I did not feel free. I could no longer follow their orders, and was unable to fool
myself into doing so. The Army investigated the matter and told me that, according to their
regulations, I was qualified for the "CO" plan. Six months later, in August of 1990, the Army
began preparing for yet another invasion; this time it was the invasion of Iraq. As quickly as
they put me on the "CO" plan, the Army took me right back off of it. I found that the "CO" plan
is a very hard plan to stay on, mainly because of the excess commanders. My Battalion
commander, LTC Freeman (no pun intended), told me that he was the law, not some vague
Army regulations. I resigned my commission. My commanders denied it. I attempted to
transfer to the Public Health Service – again denied. I offered to repay the entire cost of my
education – also denied.

I realized that the Army was not concerned with what I thought; it just wanted my body to
follow orders. In response, I decided to make my body useless to the Army. Perhaps then it
would put me back on the "CO" plan. I fasted for 27 days. Meanwhile, the Army shipped my
mostly useless body to Saudi Arabia, placed it in a hospital, and threatened to force feed it. I
would be imprisoned if I refused. I ate and then began to fast again, still hoping to be put on
the "CO" plan. But instead, the Army shipped my body from Dhahran to King Khalid Military
City on the border with Iraq. I could see that the "CO" plan just wasn’t working for me.

Finally, it dawned on me. The Army’s purpose is not defending freedom, but imposing
control. Freedom is the Army’s lady of ill repute. The Army does not love freedom, but they
use her allure as bait, and her promises of favors to help them impose control. The Army did
not care what I thought, or even if my body was useless. The Army wanted only to control
me. If I wanted freedom, I would have to take it for myself, hold onto it, and refuse to give it
up. This was the breakthrough I had been looking for. The power of freedom had been inside
me all the time! The battle lines were drawn. It was the United States Army versus me.

I needed a plan. I wanted to avoid jail time, but only if I could so without violating my
principles. I knew that soldiers are not free, thus they are predictable. Similar circumstances
describe most government officials and other tools of oppression. So I knew, more or less,
what would and what would not get me thrown in jail. I could use this to my advantage while
disrupting the Army’s efforts to control me.

I volunteered to work as a civilian for the International Red Cross in Riyadh. I reported my
commanders for violations of the Geneva conventions. I posted notices on the mess hall
encouraging the soldiers to refuse orders because fighting without a declaration of war would
be a violation of the Constitution. Still, I did not feel free. I looked at my BDU’s. Inside I was
free; now it was time to dispense of my military façade, and to loose the final threads that still
bound me to the Army.

King Khalid Military City is an expanse of flat, scrubby desert on the Saudi Arabian border
with Iraq. There is a point where two main roads entering the base converge to form one
road leading to Iraq. That intersection was always busy with convoys of armored vehicles and
supplies heading towards the border. The day after Congress "authorized the use of force"
for operation Desert Storm, I walked to the center of the intersection and stood facing the
vehicles coming from the Saudi side. A deuce and a half (2 ½ ton) truck approached
belching diesel fumes. I looked past the military hardware, beyond the driver’s Battle Dress
Uniform, and into his eyes. The truck stopped in the center of the intersection blocking both
approaching roads. I removed my uniform, and standing there in my polypropylene long
underwear, I finally, irreversibly quit the Army. Traffic backed up quickly. Abrams tanks,
Bradley fighting vehicles, various artillery pieces, assorted supply trucks, Hummers, and
countless other vehicles sat motionless. I held my outstretched hand against the traffic. My
first act as a free man was to do what I could to stop that useless and unnecessary war.

A crowd of soldiers began to gather beside the road. Some were laughing, some were
shouting insults, and some were even shouting encouragement. All these soldiers had other
duties they were ignoring while they loitered there entertained by my presence. None of them
tried to move me. The "underpants" method was working! Not only did I feel free, these other
soldiers were getting a taste of freedom too!

Eventually, a tall, deeply tanned, chiseled looking Sergeant Major approached and asked me
to leave the intersection. I held my ground and did not reply. "Captain Wiggins," he pleaded,
(he had looked over my uniform lying on the ground,) "let’s please take this out of the
intersection. We are holding up all these soldiers in all these vehicles." I stood silently staring
forward. He began to lose patience. "Look at me, Captain Wiggins," he demanded. Our eyes
met. Deep in the recesses of that silent stare, past the Battle Dress Uniform, far beyond
enemy lines, I saw…humanity. It seemed for a moment that he too, was standing there in his
underpants. For that moment we faced off, two independent men in an intersection in Saudi
Arabia, in our underpants. Neither one of us challenged the other.

It was then that I realized the final secret of the "underpants" method. There was one man
standing beside me. I heard the conversation, and the chuckles and insults from other men
at the shoulder of the road. Further down the road, I saw yet other men leaning curiously
from the windows of their vehicles. The Army, though, had disappeared. It had retreated into
the world from whence it came. A purely bureaucratic construction, the Army existed only on
paper and in the imagination. It had no pulse, no heart, and no thoughts of its own. It was a
façade, a paper tiger, and I had broken through its lines of defense. In its place stood only
individual men. I had defeated the United States Army!

I had been fighting a fearsome, imaginary monster when all I really needed to do was assert
my independence to the individual standing beside me. I knew I would have more battles to
fight, but I had won the war. A Hummer full of men in military police uniforms pulled up. They
had their orders, I was sure. I sat down and closed my eyes preferring to choose the time
and place of my next battle.

The "underpants" method had worked. From that moment on, I never again felt it necessary
to follow orders. When I cooperated, it was of my own free will and because I thought it just. I
was not entirely safe, but behind the façade of the Army I had not been safe either. I was
free, and this freedom was not just a freedom of the imagination. It was a real, living,
breathing, acting and thinking freedom. A short time later, I was on a plane back to the
United States. That imaginary beast, the US Army, was like a bad dream fading from the
memory after one has awakened.

So… Has the latest invasion got you down? Are you "stopped up" or perhaps feeling a little
draft? Maybe your current occupation is just not agreeing with you. If you want to get back
that lost vitality and freedom you used to have, try Dave’s foolproof "underpants" method. If it
worked for me, a 165-pound weakling, it can work for you too. I am so confident that you will
be completely thrilled with my guaranteed method, that I am giving it to you absolutely free of
charge. It costs nothing to try, and if you are not fully satisfied after 30 days, return it – no
questions asked.