Homeless Woman Arrested for Giving Birth in Barn

Bethlehem, PA - A homeless woman who apparently gave birth to a baby boy in a dilapidated barn in this city was arrested by police Wednesday night for vagrancy and endangering the life of a minor. The woman, who gave her name only as Mary, was accompanied by a man who claimed to be her husband. Also present in the unheated building was a group of men identified by neighbors as “crazy street people”, who claimed, “aliens told them to go Bethlehem and visit this kid”. Police officials say that fortunately the group was only living in the structure for a short while because the presence of various farm animals rendered living conditions unhealthy. “The man calling himself Joe, claims they tried to get a room.” said Bethlehem Police sergeant, William Club, “They allege that no rooms were available. We’re looking into that.”
The baby, wrapped in rags and packing material, was turned over to social services where he will be held until the couple appears in court after the holidays. The couple, apparently of Middle-Eastern background, stated they were on their way to an IRS office to pay their taxes, when the woman went into labor. “We don’t think their story will checkout.,” noted Club, “We’re running their names through the Office of Homeland Security. It’s not that we’re profiling them or anything, we just want to make sure they’re not involved in some sort of extremist cult, or on some sort of mission.” Club went on to say that police suspicions were raised when DNA tests confirmed that the man identified as Joe was not the father of the child. When questioned by police as to the actual circumstances of her pregnancy, the woman claimed to have “heard a voice” telling her about it. In addition, the man claimed to receive messages in his dreams concerning the couple’s itinerary. Both suspects are being held for psychiatric observation.
Since the Bush Administration’s decree on world taxation went into effect, travel between cities in the empire has picked up markedly. The fact that taxpayers must return to the cities of their birth to submit their returns has been a real boon for the travel industry. However, motels and hotels are experiencing a high rate of no vacancies, lending some credibility to the couples’ claim. The driver of the cab that dropped the couple off near the barn the night of their arrest said he was unaware of their situation. “I feel like such an ass.” said Don Keys, “I should have guessed something unusual was going on with them, but hey, what am I, some sort of guardian angel!”
The couple will be held by the Department of Corrections in an undisclosed location until their court hearing. The INS has been notified in the event that there are any irregularities with the couple’s immigration status. Whether the mother will be reunited with the son remains to be seen. “All I can say”, noted officer Club, “is this is a hell of a way to start the Holidays!”