GOP Launches Bloodthirsty Campaign to Seize Pledge Issue

The Republican Party announced today that it will engage in a campaign of jingoism and scapegoating in response to the decision by a federal appeals court that the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional.

"This is a Godsend for us," said Karl Rove, without a hint of irony . "Like many Republicans, I rarely go to church, but I love using religion to divide and conquer."

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said, "This is too good to be true. Why do I even bother coming into work?"

Republicans were offering mobs free packages of CIA heroin to roam the streets of major cities, promising to "kill every liberal in this great and tolerant country who disagrees with us."

Speaking from heaven, God formally endorsed the Republican Party in the 2002 Congressional elections.

"I sent my only begotten son to save the world," he said, "but I don't know why, when I could have just called the GOP."