Poll Shows 4 Out of 5 Americans Would Lick Ashcroft's Shoes for More Security

Oklahoma City- A recent Gallop Poll revealed that four out of five Americans would gladly lick Attorney General, John Ashcroft’s shoes if he could make them feel safer from godless terrorists. Approximately four in ten of those polled were willing to give up their house keys to gain a sense of security, and about half favor making it easier for authorities to do just about anything as long as they can continue to watch television and shop.
“It’s amazing what percentage of the population are willing to bend over in order to get back a some sense of personal security”, said Ben Counters, research coordinator for the Gallop Organization. “These are average Americans, you know, soccer moms who want to fill-up the tanks of their SUVs and drive to McDonalds without having to worry about anything.”
The telephone survey taken last month included 911 people from across the nation. Researchers also polled about a thousand people found window shopping in malls near New York City, Washington, DC, and Ames, Iowa. Like most polls, the questions asked were phrased in order to obtain results that researchers were paid to gather.
The poll showed 70 percent of Americans are in favor of requiring U.S. citizens to have bar codes tattooed to their foreheads and 87 percent believe that the FBI should have access to their bathrooms. Additionally, it was discovered that only 15 percent of those polled are more worried about the present administration’s real motives for increased security in the U.S. than they are of unknown terrorists.