Gov. Gray in Bed with Utilities (skit script)

Gov. Gray in Bed with Utilities (skit)

Gray in bed w/ utils [A fourposter brass bed on wheels, a sign on it says "Power Exchange." Governor Gray is in bed with the utilities and generators - throughout the skit, they hop in and out of bed, run around it, trade money, laugh and whisper in each others ears. Gray kisses their asses and they stuff $ into his drawers. Ratepayers are harnessed to the bed, they drag it around, up and down the sidewalk. Wall Street lounges on the end of the bed and whips the ratepayers to make them pull.]

Reporter: Amazing scoop. We've just learned that Governor Davis has another job, moonlighting for the utility companies and generators. Would you care to comment, Governor?

Gray: Don't get me wrong, I love being CEO of California. But a CEO can't hold his head up if he's making less than a million a year. California only pays me [$200,000] twice what I'm worth. For my self-respect I had to take a Real Job working for the utilities and energy companies. They pay me $700,000. It's strictly a business proposition [language from press confer]. Look, I'm being very generous. I give the State seven whole hours of my time.

Reporter: But we hear those are the hours when you're actually sleeping.

Gray: Well of course I have to sleep then. Working for the energy corporations is very strenuous. But while I'm sleeping I have many dreams about what I can do for California.

Reporter: We heard your dreams are mostly about being President.

Gray: : I'm just like the CEO of any other State.

Reporter: You're just back from the National Governors' meeting.

Gray: I started negotiating again as soon as I got back. [PG&E makes a game of not letting Gray kiss his ass.]

Reporter: Did the other Governors have any insights on our energy crisis?

Gray: We understand each other - Democrats and Republicans, we all moonlight for energy corporations and utilities.

Ratepayers: Listen to that. The energy corporations have been in bed with the Governors for 100 years, but we're the ones who are getting screwed!

Reporter: We heard that the Senators and Assemblymembers all get their turn in bed - when you go home to sleep.

PG&E: Some of them only get a couple of minutes.

Edison: They're just learning.

Wall Street: Some of them still think they need to give the public something in order to get re-elected. They don't realize elections are all about TV ads. For those you have to have money. The people's airwaves cost plenty. We make sure no people ever get on them.

Gray: It's hard to please the corporations. They're very demanding in bed. With some people it comes naturally. Like George Bush. He was born in bed I mean born and bred with the energy companies and he learned all the tricks at his Daddy's knee.

Ratepayer #1: Did you hear that? They just said there's nobody working for the people of California, everybody here is working for the energy companies!

Ratepayer #2: Yeah . And there go more of those energy company lobbyists. I heard there's hundreds of em running around the Capitol.

Ratepayer #3: I heard they're on 4-hour shifts, that's why they all look so fresh and vigorous, with their perfectly pressed suits, and not a hair out of place.

Wall Street: Shut up and keep moving.

Gray: There's lots of creative things you can do in this job. My predecessor Ronald Reagan got to do TV commercials for GE, then they did TV commercials for him when he ran for office. Boy was his face familiar to the voters!

Reporter: GE really is a special corporation. They make the machinery for the power plants AND they make the wattbuster appliances. They advertise a lot in our paper. They sure do bring good things to life. But what about energy efficiency and solar energy? Don't we need to stop global warming and other pollution?

Gray: No comment.

Reporter: Is it true that you have refused to meet with environmental groups or ratepayers?

Gray: [embracing Edison] Why should I meet with ratepayers? They're no fun in bed, they have no money. It's all gone.

PG&E: What paper did you say you work for? Does your editor know you ask such rude questions? We could have your paper closed down.

Reporter: Never mind. My editor never prints those answers anyway. But I wanted to follow up with one point you made earlier - you were talking about George Bush's corporate sponsors, but I thought they were oil and natural gas companies, and I thought they were in competition with our utilities.

Enron: [peeks out from under the covers where he's been hiding the whole time] You mean me?

PG&E: We're all in this together. [all laugh]

Enron: It's a gas.

Wall Street: [Waving a flag saying "free enterprise."] Competition is for little guys. They like it, it makes them feel important. And we need something to keep them busy and out of our business. [tosses a penny to ratepayers and they fight over it.]

PG&E, Edison & Enron: We cooperate. And we're always ready to take a government handout.

Edison & PG&E: That's how you get things done in the real world.

Enron: We share the same directors, banks and lawyers, we set up joint partnerships, invest in each others' business and when we feel like it, we merge. [They fall into bed cuddling & laughing, then they sing:]
     We're bi, bi, bi, bi, bi,
[long beat] bi-partisan
To drill drill drill drill drill petroleum
[2nd verse: to mine mine mine mine mine uranium]
Foul the bay bay to the sea
Buy buy buy our energy
     and pay, pay, pay, pay,
[beat] pay and pay and pay, pay, pay, pay,
[beat] pay and pay and pay, pay, pay, pay,
[beat] pay and pay and pay, pay, pay, pay,
[beat] pay and pay

Reporter: Well if it's not competition, what's the difference between you guys and public power?

PG&E: That's easy. We cooperate with each other to maximize our control over your money.

Ratepayers: And public power cooperates with the people to maximize benefits to the community. We see the game now. [ripping off their harnesses] We're going to cooperate with each other and mount a big campaign to get public power. Nothing will stop us. It's the only thing that will protect us from these vultures.

[alternate ending - if we use this to start the Campout - The ratepayers rip off their harnesses and pull out sticks with marshmallows.]

ALL: We're going to camp out at the Capitol until we get public power.

Ratepayer #1: We have to protect our representatives from all those slick lobbyists who want to steal their virtue.

Ratepayer #2: We'll tell our representatives we want a whole hotdog.

Ratepayer #3: We don't want any more marshmallows - hot air and sugared words from wimps like Davis.

Ratepayer #4: Make mine an organic tofu dog, no chemicals and no ground up mad cows.