United States celebrates successful occupation of Turtle Island, 235 years and counting...

Amidst a nationwide crackdown on Occupy Wall Street encampments, one occupation is still standing strong - The United States' occupation of Turtle Island. Enforced by the world's largest military and celebrated every day by the respective offices of the White House, Congress, and Supreme Court, the United States has successfully occupied the lands once held in stewardship by the Lakota, Cherokee, Iroquois, Chocktaw, Winnebago, Apache, Cheyenne, Wampanoag, Hopi, Ohlone, Dine, Salish, Nez Perce, Shoshone, Blackfoot, Spokane, and Shawnee Indian nations (to name a few) for 235 years and counting.

"It's really incredible if you think about it," said George Washington, military general, slave owner and first president of the occupying country, contacted via Ouija-Skype. "Who could have guessed our occupation could have gone on for so long?"

Considered to be a founding father by the occupying country, Washington believes it has been a little bit of luck, military strategy, and sheer ruthlessness that has allowed the United States to successfully occupy Turtle Island from the Atlantic to the Pacific Ocean for the past two and a half centuries, beating out rival contenders France, Holland, and England.

"Not coming from Europe was a big disadvantage," Washington said of the Indian communities that were decimated by the invasion and are still recovering to this day. "I mean, my ancestors were all well versed in beheadings, drawn and quartering, and making war on just about everything that moved. These godless savages just didn't know how we roll," Washington offered, adding, "And we roll deep."

The rotted corpse of Thomas Jefferson also agreed, "The way us Euro-Americans tend to look at it then and now, is that the savages weren't really using the land. They had all these hippie-ass ideas about respect and reciprocity for the flora and fauna, and no centralized or hierarchical form of government with the power to break your thumbs if you challenged it."

Jefferson, the 3rd U.S. president, man of the enlightenment and slave ownership, believes the United States has only vastly improved Turtle Island since taking over. "Before us, there were no jobs. No coal mines, no private property. The savages used to just run around half naked, singing and dancing for each season, relaxing, tending trees, carefully harvesting corn for personal and communal use - But look around now, we got mansions and yachts, we got filtered water and diamond encrusted glocks, most people are clothed."

Jefferson went on to point out that there also used to be way too many Buffalo and Bears roaming around Turtle Island, not to mention Salmon runs that would fill entire rivers, but thanks to superior Euro-American culture and firepower, "all that's shit's been tamed."

Still, not everyone agrees with the former U.S. president's rosy assessment of the ongoing occupation. Lakota warrior and medicine man Crazy Horse, contacted via Paha Sapa (a.k.a. the sacred Black Hills of South Dakota) thinks the occupation will ultimately be short-lived.

"Look at what the United States has done in less than 300 years - Cut down forests, torn open mountain sides, paved over the earth, brought over millions of dumb-as-shit domestic animals that couldn't survive in the wild for one day, built a bunch of ugly ass strip malls and generally turned Turtle Island into a cesspool of blinking neon lights and military bases," Crazy Horse said.

The long dead Lakota medicine man went on to point out that when it comes to occupations, the current spate of anti-Wall Street actions can't hold a candle to the U.S. government. "George Washington, William Henry Harrison, Andrew Jackson, and Abraham Lincoln never had any qualms about using violence and bureaucracy to take over Indian land. Washington smashed the Iroquois Confederacy, Harrison destroyed the Shawnee, Jackson sent the Cherokee on a death march to Oklahoma, and Lincoln oversaw the public execution of 38 of my Lakota brothers. These anti-Wall Street activists don't know who they're fucking with."

Shawnee warrior Tecumseh had this to add, "I died fighting the white man. It sickens me to hear the generations that have come to pass talk about non-violence and calling those who don't adhere to it as childish. Say what you will about the White Man's system, it knows how to get what it wants...and it wants everything."

The dead Lakota medicine man and dead Shawnee warrior both agreed that the occupation probably wouldn't last long enough to see its 300th anniversary. Tecumseh, also known as “Shooting Star” or “Panther Across the Sky” added, "Look around you, the United States has averaged a war of conquest every ten years, and there’s still poor people lining the streets of every American city, and carcinogens in every water supply. At some point, you have to ask if it would not be better to just admit Whitey ain’t that competent in anything other than imposing his law on the rest of the world, and just give back the land?”