Dennis Ross Appoints Self as US Envoy to Iran (Satire)

As the US State Department gears up for intensified diplomacy across the Middle East, former Clinton administration negotiator Dennis Ross has named himself to be US envoy to Iran.

"Since President Obama publicly named George J. Mitchell envoy to the Middle East and Richard C. Holbrooke the special representative to Pakistan and Afghanistan, there's been a lot of speculation about my taking the lead on US-Iranian negotiations," confirmed Ross while shopping in Bethesda, Maryland "I've decided to end the uncertainty by announcing that I'll fill this important position beginning in March."

Ross also confirmed while purchasing multiple copies of his own book "The Missing Peace" at Barns and Noble that US-Iranian diplomacy could require a tough approach. "If the Iranians refuse to understand that Arafat was wrong not to accept our offer of a bantustan of Palestinian territorial parcels, I intend to bludgeon sensibility into them with my book. These are being paid for with State Department salary advances that I am making to myself."