FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Austin's Garbologists Work Tirelessly to Increase The Quantity of Garbage in Psych

Psych's path will lead to a critical mass of garbage density, resulting in consciousness...

June 21, 2003 -- As I entered the building, a small office structure in the heart of Austin, I could feel the excitement.  I knew what few know: Austin is home to the world's largest garbage can.  I came prepared to be impressed and the check in the back of my pocket didn't effect my judgment in the least.

Upon my arrival, I was met at the font desk by Lizzy Borden, director of human resources and operations.  I had heard of Ms. Borden before from local lore about dumpster diving.  I was finally meeting her in the flesh.  After a few pleasantries and a discussion about her recent colon operation, I was introduced to L. Ron Heartless, President of PsychoCorp.  Mr. Heartless took me back to his office where a large photo of Albert Einstein was tapped to the wall as a prop for our photos.

Mr. Heartless' eyes gleamed in that special way as he talked endlessly about the accomplishment of his child, Psych, the world's largest garbage can.  Mr. Heartless has rejected the belief that study into the workings of actual brains, such as the human brain, could lead to an artificial intelligence.  Instead, Heartless came to the conclusion, more than a decade before, that the only path to creating a truly intelligent artifact was to build a large garbage can and fill it with as much common garbage as possible.  To this end he convinced the less than brilliant bureaucrats at DARPA to invest millions in tax payer dollars into his project.  PsychoCorp now employs a large group of dedicated garbologists pouring their heart and souls into filling the world's largest garbage can.

As we strolled the dingy offices of PsychoCorp, sullen teams of garbologists worked tirelessly, concealing their tormented souls behind fake smiles, on increasing the quantity of Psych garbage.  In one room a team of theologists (well, there was just one of them but his T-shirt read "TEAM") entered garbage about Christianity.  In another room, local waitresses and interns put their heads together to describe geological features.  The fact that they are not experts in the field is unimportant, Mr. Heartless explained.  "We are seeking to represent common garbage, not truth."

I must say I was dying to see Psych work.  I asked Mr. Heartless if he could demonstrate Psych's brilliance to me.  He took me into a room and launched PowerPoint.  From there he clicked through the slides showing Psych at work.  With his manipulative conversation style and confident manner, I quickly forgot that I was looking at a PowerPoint presentation and came to believe that Psych was truly intelligent.  And it's true, Psych IS truly intelligent.

Report submitted by:
Another Rent-a-Journalist

For More Information Contact:

PsychoCorp
666 Cult Center, Austin, Texas
Tel: 512-555-1212
FAX: 512-555-1212
Internet: info@psych.com