The best of the worst country song titles

The compact-disc racks yielded slim pickings when I recently conducted my yearly search for songs such as "Your Alibi Called Today" and "Has Your Lawyer Talked to Jesus?"


Country music has become too cosmopolitan to produce many of those wonderful wordplay titles that frequently blended irony with bad puns and double-entendres.


As often as not these days, when I happen upon a title that hasn't made my list, I find it to be not a new song but a gem I overlooked years ago.


Enough hand-wringing.

Before perusing the latest list, please join me in a moment of silent awe to honor the 10 titles inducted this year into the Worst Country Song Title Hall of Fame & Bar-B-Q:


- The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You
- They Always Look Better When They're Leavin'
- You Wouldn't Know Love If You Fell in It

- I Bought the Shoes That Just Walked Out on Me


- I've Enjoyed as Much of This as I Can Stand


- How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody but Me?


- I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling


- We Used To Kiss on the Lips (But Now It's All Over)


- Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed


- If Fingerprints Showed Up on Skin (Wonder Whose I'd Find on You)?

And now the Worst Country Song Titles of All Time for Maybe the Last Time:


- I Brake for Brunettes
- White Lies and Blue Eyes


- I Don't Have To Be Me ('Til Monday)


- It Took Us All Night To Say Goodbye


- I'm Just Here To Get My Baby Out of Jail


- Our Love Is Always in Season


- Going To Beat the Devil (To See My Angel Tonight)


- Tired of Getting My Butt Kicked


- Whiskey Under the Bridge


- I'm Going Crazy in 3/4 Time
- Too Many Tears Too Late


- On the Wings of a Honky Tonk Angel


- If a Broken Heart Could Kill


- I'm Not Leaving (I'm Just Getting Out of Your Way)


- It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing


- (If You're Not in it for Love) I'm Outta Here!


- Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under


- Just When Things Were Looking Up (My Baby Let Me Down)


- Just How Bad Do You Want To Feel Good?


- Red Roses Won't Work Now


- I Ain't Broke (But I'm Badly Bent)
- You Look Good in My Shirt


- My Birdcage Needs a New Paper
- My Memories Aren't Precious Anymore


- Nothing Sure Looked Good on You
- Let's Put the X in Sex
- Beer, Bait & Ammo


Mike Harden is a columnist at the Columbus (Ohio) Dispatch. E-mail mharden [at] dispatch.com.