Ann Coulter wants to execute you

Subject:Liberals, report to re-education


The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
02.14.2002

By JAY BOOKMAN
Atlanta Journal-Constitution Columnist

"We need to execute people like John Walker in order to
physically intimidate liberals, by making them realize that
they can be killed too," pundit Ann Coulter told this
month's meeting of the Conservative Political Action
Conference. "Otherwise they will turn out to be outright
traitors."

Appearing on Fox News a few days later, Coulter
acknowledged the statement and bragged that it had been a
"huge hit with the audience," an estimated 3,500 who turned
out for the three-day conference in Arlington, Va., that
bills itself as the nation's "premier annual gathering of
conservatives." In addition to Coulter, attendees also
heard luminaries such as Lynne Cheney, William Bennett and
Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson.

Now, I have to admit that the Coulter statements -- and the
reception they apparently received from a mainstream
conservative audience -- really shocked me. Until now, I
had operated under the delusion that we liberals had
something to add to the great debate that helps guide this
country. I had no idea that only the fear of execution was
keeping me in line.

I'll even admit that at first, I thought Coulter must be
wrong. I couldn't see how there were still enough liberals
around to threaten national security. Then I remembered
that more than half the voters in the 2000 election had
voted for Al Gore, so I guess we do have a major problem.

So, being a good liberal, I propose a new government
program to address the problem. We could call it Liberal
Intimidation And Re-education. All those Americans who
voted for Gore, and yet still think of themselves as
patriotic, would be asked to report immediately to LIAR
camps.

Of course -- and give me credit here, you can see I'm
really trying to reform -- the camps would be privately run
"charter camps." Some would also be faith-based programs,
designed specifically to re-educate liberal Christians who
have deluded themselves into believing that Jesus meant
what he said about turning the other cheek, about not
judging lest you be judged, about loving your neighbor and
the dangers of hoarding wealth.

In the camps we would be forced to read nothing but the
Wall Street Journal editorial page and watch Fox News 24
hours a day. Every time an image of Bill Clinton showed up
on our TV screens, we would get a jolt of electricity, so
that in time we too would cringe whenever we saw the man,
just as real Americans do. (An image of Hillary would of
course draw double the voltage.)

I'm actually looking forward to the experience, because I
might get insight into some of the inner mysteries of
conservative thought: Why is John Walker Lindh the
embodiment of all America-hating liberalism, while Timothy
McVeigh, the Oklahoma City bomber, was merely a deluded
individual with no deeper meaning about conservatism? Why
must welfare mothers be forced out of the home and into the
work force, while middle-class mothers have to be forced
out of the work force and back to the kitchen? How do gay
Americans pose a threat to heterosexual families, and where
is the secure, undisclosed location where they're keeping
Tom DeLay's brain?

I even have the perfect man to serve as camp commandant:
John Ashcroft. It was Ashcroft, you'll remember, who told
Congress that anyone who criticized his decisions was
aiding terrorists. Clearly this is a man who already
recognizes the danger; he deserves first crack at fixing
it.

And of course, just before graduation, as a test of our
newfound loyalty, we former liberals would be required to
volunteer to get lobotomies. That way, we would all emerge
from the LIAR program exactly as smart as Ann Coulter.

If not quite as vicious.

Jay Bookman is the deputy editorial page editor. His column
appears Thursdays.