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Indybay Feature

Wal-Mart unveils Campaign of Evil

by Phillip Pendergrass
Wal-Mart reveals secret agenda.
wal-mart-logo1.gif
May 17, 2004
Springfield News-Header

Little Rock-- Wal-Mart continues its campaign of rolling back prices and providing value to the American consumer. The absolute terror of this occurrence has rocked the country. New polls show that 85% of consumers have actually defecated in fear at the prospect of one-stop shopping at a great value.

"I don't understand why a compassionate God could allow this to happen to good people." Said Linda Carlson, San Diego as she tried to ignore the stench of the fecal matter now soiling her pants. "I couldn't help but crap myself. Oh God! It smells like hard-boiled eggs!"

In a secret ceremony this week the Wal-Mart Board of Directors successfully resurrected Sam Walton. The newly reanimated Walton wasted no time in slashing prices on Charmin toilet paper. The horror of this event caused many local children to fall into violent seizures.

“Why? Why, did Mr. Walton cut prices on that toilet paper?” Said Timmy McMasters of Little Rock Elementary. “I think I will be scared for the rest of my life. I don’t remember eating corn, but now I am covered in it!”

Timmy died later that day as his brain was consumed by zombie Walton outside of Wal-Mart headquarters. Twelve other children were sacrificed to this newly proclaimed ‘Lord of Darkness’.

“My evil work has just begun.” Said Sam Walton, Lord of Darkness. “Can’t you smell the wave of defecation spreading across the country. It is a one-stop shop and next week the terror really begins when I mark down all pork ribs to $1.02lb.”

World religious leaders have called their followers to prepare for the end of the world. There have been numerous reports of mass-suicides near Wal-Mart Super-centers.

“One stop shopping, great values, and huge selection; I don’t know if I can even believe in God anymore.” Said the newly elected Pope Benedict XVI. “I am soiled in fecal matter. If there is a God I hope to die now before Wal-Mart fulfills its master plan.”

Springfield News-Header
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