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John Ashcroft: Fake Erections May Be Sporting More Than Wood
by Amy Drummitz
Sunday Jul 4th, 2004 6:14 AM
In an effort to penetrate our nations defenses, Al-Qaeda has been using ordinary white men as couriers of sarin gas, said Attorney General John Ashcroft, yesterday, at a press conference in front of Victoria's Secret at the Chevy Chase Pavillion.

John Ashcroft: Fake Erections May Be Sporting More Than Wood

Amy Drummitz, Faux News

WASHINGTON, DC - In an effort to penetrate our nations defenses, Al-Qaeda has been using ordinary white men as couriers of sarin gas, said Attorney General John Ashcroft, yesterday, at a press conference in front of Victoria's Secret at the Chevy Chase Pavillion.  Americans should be vigilant for men sporting large, but fake, erections in public places, he stressed.  These "erections" are not real.  According to the Department of Homeland Security, they may be canisters of sarin gas attached to jock straps.  Americans should not touch these faux erections themselves.  Any arousal of suspicion due to very hard and long erections should be reported to your local FBI field office whence experts at erection analysis can be dispatched to size up the situation.  Attorney General John Ashcroft reiterated his concern about citizens coming in direct contact with these "erections."  This is a serious matter, he said.  One of these "erections" could take out a block.

Investigative reporters from Faux News asked Ashcroft if any steps were being taken to detect these "erections" before they became tools of terror.  "We are standing here in front of Victoria's Secrets," he explained, "to announce the deployment of a new biometric system developed under the leadership of Dave Gunning of DARPA.  The test model for this system is being deployed in this ordinary trash can," he said, pointing to an orange trashcan with what appeared to be a small lens embedded in the plastic.  "The trash can has been placed in front of Victoria's Secret to test algorithms developed at a secret defense contractor.   These algorithms analyze the flow of 'wood', if you will, in front of locations where erections are known to be common, looking for anomalies in length and girth.  Our intelligence agents speculate that men sporting these fake erections will take advantage of the natural "erection zone" in front of stores such as these to hide their load among the innocent."

In an exclusive obtained by Faux News, we were able to interview the developers of this new Faux Erection Detection Systems (FEDS).  Their names have been changed to protect their real identities.  "Doug Lenat" (not his real name), president of the secret corporation explained that his corporation employed a team of knowledge engineers specializing in penisology.  These knowledge engineers spend all of their time entering common sense rules about penises into the company's knowledge base of common sense.  Simple facts like, "stroking a flaccid penis causes a change in penile state such that the formerly flaccid penis becomes longer, harder and of greater girth" are entered into the system by this crack team of experts led by "Michael Witbrock" (not his real name).  "Michael Witbrock" explained that, "his many years studying healthy and large erections had finally paid off."  According to "Michael," the company begins its analysis by examining the medical records of America's males, attempting to gain knowledge of the flaccid penis size of each and every American male.  An ad hoc lab set up in the company seeks volunteers from the local community where a few strokes are used to gather data concerning the ratio between flaccid and fully erect sizes.  This information is then used to extrapolate the probable size of a real erection for each and every American male.  Biometric data concerning the facial and gait analysis of all Americans is then used to automatically identify American males as they pass in front of the sensor.  The penile profile of the male is then compared to the actual dimensions of the American passing by the sensor.  Those sporting erections outside of the expected range are then flagged as likely al-Qaeda agents.  Mall security guards are then dispatched to apprehend the agent and inspect his penis."

We asked women passing walking into the Victoria's Secret what they thought of the system.  Many pointed out that since women pretending to be pregnant were targets of a similar campaign, watching out for fake wood was not only fair but would reduce on the chances of falsely identifying a potential "hook up."  Several volunteered to join the security team providing the penis inspection.  One pointed out that she felt a lot safer knowing that John Ashcroft was looking out for the security of Americans.

The White House's Mutual Admiration Team issued a press statement reiterating its support for Mr. Ashcroft.  "Mr. Ashcroft," it read, "is leading the way to protect Lady Liberty from penetration by America's enemies.  We are proud of his accomplishments."  And we are too.