Republicans coming to Berkeley

Something rigid this way comes: Try and predict the ghastly spectacle that's slated for your local college campus. No, the X-plicit Players aren't planning a Tae Bo seminar series outside Dwinelle Hall. Nor is Survivor's "Don't Call It a Comeback" tour launching from lower Sproul Plaza. But close.

Would you believe ... hundreds of young Republican true-believers marching down Telegraph Avenue?

That's right, California College Republicans, the umbrella group of campus Newtrinos across the state, has picked the People's Republic as the host city for its annual convention! On April 25-27, up to five hundred of the state's most enthusiastic student conservatives will descend on Cal for a weekend of caucusing, cheering, and cavorting in the heart of enemy territory. Highlights include outreach seminars for unenlightened liberals, keynote speakers (Fox News personality Sean Hannity and former Nixon speechwriter and game-show host Ben Stein are tentatively penciled in), and who knows? Maybe there'll even be a tour of Berkeley squats to demonstrate the terrible consequences of liberal social policies. "If people go there and get to experience Berkeley and walk down the street and see gutter punks and hippies, it'll be a good convention for us," says Robb McFadden, the group's executive director. "People from San Diego will be able to see that and note that this is Berkeley and Barbara Lee's district."

Already, some local right-wingers are slavering over the prospect of goading the progressives -- who are notorious for being born without a sense of humor. "The Berkeley left is going to go apeshit," writes Rory Miller, a Berkeley student activist and blogger who posts under the handle Angry Clam. "Also, with the CalSERVE power on the rise in the ASUC Senate, watch for them to try and shut this one down, or at the very least, try to issue some sort of resolution against it. It's going to be lots of fun."

Other organizers seemed a bit less interested in the liberal-baiting tactics so dear to the hearts of rabid neocons and radio talk-show hosts.

Indeed, some CCR bigwigs come off more like earnest motivational speakers or pleasant Stepford Wives. The group's chair, Erik Caldwell, seems to view the choice of locale as a "what doesn't kill us will make us stronger" kind of thing. "By having our convention in Berkeley we can take the Republican fight to every college campus in the state of California -- no matter how liberal," he writes in a press release. The group's Web site, incidentally, links to Caldwell's personal site, which contains his résumé ("Assisted with casting and wardrobe on the set of Almost Famous ...") and his personal list of daily affirmations. One of the quotes, from confederate general Robert E. Lee, struck 7 Days as particularly surreal, since Caldwell happens to be black. As for party organizer Janelle Reilla, she wasn't about to let our silly questions interfere with important GOP matters: "I don't have that information on hand," she said over her cell phone. "I'm actually under a hair-dryer."

Sure, they may slash homeless services when they grow up, but they'll look fabulous.