Republicans to Shift 2016 Convention to Las Vegas

Garlic Press News Release:

Responding to Republican demands to change the public perception of a bunch of uptight white guys, the GOP decided to jettison their plans to meet in a clean, staid, uptight Midwestern city and move it to Nevada to what is known as “Sin City.” 

Speaking on Faux News, National Republican National Committee Chair A. B. Crookedlick said the party has nothing against dullness, mediocrity, stupidity or even Cleveland. Instead, the choice of Las Vegas would give delegates new hope to “finish off government in the quintessential American city.” 

“We’re going to show America that we know how to make fun,” said Crookedlick. “Forget about the future! You can trust us to take care of it.” 

The decision comes after six years of battling Obama and opposing any government legislation. Such impotence is leading the GOP to recreate its image and move forward after a long flirtation with the 18th century. GOP stalwarts point out that they passed over 3,000 votes to eliminate Affordable Healthcare, made valiant efforts to eliminate Mexican immigrants, and attempted to cut 289 taxes on the richest one percent. The switch in GOP convention venues will help the party shift gears.

“We have urgent government business to attend to,” said Crookedlick. “It’s time to go all the way. We’re tired of fighting people who want medical care, safe food, air and water, and want to stop illegal business practices. Whenever a businessman turns around, the government is taking our rights to mistreat workers, pollute the water, fudge on your taxes—it’s just not fair!”

Known as the party of no for long enough, the GOP has hired advisers who promise this move to Las Vegas will allow the party to say yes. The crowded field of Republican presidential candidates hails the move in the right direction that will embrace the real American Dream. 

“Look, everyone in America wants to get rich; we’re the land of opportunism,” said Dr. Ben Carjackson, a leading GOP presidential candidate. “Although the public didn’t exactly support my call for U.S. troops to embrace the age-old military tradition of rape and pillage, Americans can wholeheartedly cheer the extravagance we’ll showcase in Las Vegas.” 

 The culmination of the American dream, Las Vegas is filled with expensive escort services, overpriced food, and luxurious accommodations. It’s the number one city for swingers and gamblers, and a destination for the wealthy of all denominations. GOP followers contend that every American will be able to identify with a GOP rolling in the lap of luxury.  

“We are not a bunch of buttoned-down, uptight you-know-what’s who are in it for the money,” said Jake Moneybags, a Republican fundraiser. “We do have fun, just not in the public eye. We’re tired of hiding our luxury. Las Vegas will allow us to share our vision that greed is good.” 

The motto, “What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas,” has particular appeal to GOP lobbyists, presidential contenders, and delegates from the Bible Belt, who see Las Vegas as a chance “to let their hair down.” If the GOP wins the White House in 2016, some have suggested moving the nation’s capital to Las Vegas.

“Once we take over the government, we get whatever we want, right?” asked Moneybags. “Deals in backrooms are an old American tradition and I’m sure our supporters would much rather visit us in Las Vegas that in Washington.”

Merchants in Las Vegas are thrilled at the prospect of hosting the convention, which will bring 100,000 lawyers, bankers, arms dealers, real estate brokers, and a vast army of high spenders to their city. They expect another 300,000 lobbyist to arrive with enough gifts for GOP office holders to fill 10,000 trucks. 

The NRA plans on distributing free Colt .45s to all delegates and their spouses. Another giveaway by the Koch Brothers will provide free 2016 Cadillacs to all delegates who sign onto the Koch pledge to keep America addicted to coal. And Halliburton, Dick Cheney’s company that made $85 billion in profit from the Iraq occupation, will provide free jumbo jets to any candidate who supports invading another country. A Cheney spokesman said, “Dick’s not particular; any country will do.”

“Delegates will be having so much fun here, they’ll do whatever we want, which is the whole point,” said Donald $ Koch, who recently changed his name to add the dollar sign.