Netanyahu: A Satirical Welcome Message

Our organization, All Jews Everywhere, wishes to voice our appreciation to Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of All Jews Everywhere, Inc., for speaking on behalf of the Chosen People before the Israel Funding Association (sometimes referred to as the U.S. Congress).

While we applaud Mr. Netanyahu’s invitation to members of Congress to emigrate to Israel, we advise him to drop that “coming home” theme. Bibi, Israel needs our Congress here to keep that spigot open and the funding flowing.

Many have suggested that Israel should finally relent and apply officially for U.S. statehood. However, we reject that notion, since Israel would then only be represented by two senators, as opposed to 100.

We are thrilled that Congress will be hosting this noted peace warrior. Bibi Netanyahu routinely provokes more standing ovations than the President of the United States when he addresses Congress. Fortunately, thus far, few self-hating Jews have been so petty as to criticize Mr. Netanyahu for actions he’s taken in his role as colonial administrator.

We are appreciative of the fact that, like most great leaders, Bibi has been able to negotiate many settlements. Some of those settlements are secured by walls, barbed wire, machine guns, helicopters, drones and tanks, and some argue that Israel is engaged in the oppression and ethnic cleansing of people living in Gaza and the West Bank. We beg to differ! The bulldozing of the houses of the families of 12-year-old terrorists throwing rocks at our tanks is essential in Prime Minister Netanyahu’s “Broken Windows: Eternal War for Eternal Peace” program, which of course requires U.S. aid to finance and maintain. Thus, All Jews Everywhere believes it is reasonable that Mr. Netanyahu is preparing to spend three full days in meetings with the executive committee of Congress — known locally as AIPAC.

We fully endorse Bibi’s cogent point that the problems between the so-called “Palestine” and Israel (whose right to exist as a Jewish state is biblically inscribed — thank you G-d for choosing us!) are caused by Iran. It is a known fact that all the problems in the world are a direct result of that rogue nation’s undeclared nuclear ambitions, which pose a serious threat to Israel’s monopoly of undeclared nuclear weapons.

Although secret cables from 2012 have just surfaced in which Mossad — Israel’s CIA counterpart — judged Iran incapable of manufacturing and deploying nuclear weapons, if the U.S. and its allies do not bomb Iran soon there could be a war gap. As Mr. Netanyahu stated this week while touring Israeli military bases, “I will go to Washington to address the American Congress, because the American Congress is likely to be the final brake before the agreement between the major powers and Iran.” If too much time passes without war, the momentum for war, along with funding, will erode, threatening our way of life. Alarmed at such a possibility, we in the AJE endorse 2016 Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton’s request to continue U.S. taxpayers’ annual outlay of $3.2 billion in outright gifts to Israel, plus another $9 billion in loan guarantees and funding for projects that provide jobs there as snipers and tank-operators.

All Jews Everywhere prays for G-d’s assistance in preventing the same methods used to privilege Jews in Israel from being applied by other countries to privilege them against Jews. We reject the anti-Zionist idea that a single humanitarian standard should be applied to all. Otherwise, where are the perks in being the chosen people? We do however suggest that Bibi exchange his camouflage yarmulka for a more conservative one, to keep open his direct pipeline to Adoshem. We worry whether Bibi’s desert camo kippah makes him invisible to G-d. How can G-d protect him, then, and by extension Eretz Yisrael?

“Money for occupations” or “Money for war”? America is wealthy enough to continue funding Israel’s occupations as well as its wars, and make them our own. Yes we can!


Next Year in Tehran!
AJE Executive Board