The FBI Inspires a New Strategy

Inspired by the recent successes of federal law enforcement, other federal agencies are implementing new strategies for success. The United States Coast Guard, inspired by the anti-terrorism operations of the FBI, began a new operation designated “Operation Jellyfish.” In early May of this year, a highly trained pair of Coast Guard sailors went undercover at a Boston area marina. They trolled the bars looking for local boat owners and fishermen about to depart on their vessels and plied them drugs and alcohol, resulting in several May-Day calls and three men overboard. Rushing to the scene of these events, in their high speed Coast Guard cruisers, they effected several successful rescues and one arrest. Additional operations are planned. One Coast Guard official, on condition of anonymity, explained that the goal was to increase funding for the Coast Guard by demonstrating how necessary the agency is by creating high profile calamities at sea and then coming in, at the last minute, to rescue and arrest boaters.

Not to be out-done by the FBI and the Coast Guard, the IRS has created a bogus tax advice line to which tax-payers are encouraged to seek bad advice from the IRS. The hope is to create more tax cheats and, consequently, more prosecutions for tax fraud. An unnamed IRS agent predicted “complete mayhem” in the tax collection process resulting in a need for more agents and a bigger budget. “Hey, it works for the FBI, so it will work for us,” she is reported to have told a confidential source.

The new strategy for success is trickling down to local governments as well. Boston's Department of Public Works has created a “Pot Holes and Road Dangers” task force whose job it is to create pot holes and other road dangers. Under the cover of night, task force members hack away at the local infrastructure using picks and other tools to destroy roadways and create hazards. Joe Smith, a member of one such task force confided, “The FBI has been doing this ever since 9/11. They create dangers where there are none and then fix them with fanfare and media coverage. We plan on doing the same.”

Even the Department of Health is getting into the game. Carriers of disease that appear healthy have been recruited to spread disease in public places, creating the appearance of health crises. “It's not a real crisis, since we already know what diseases we are spreading, the point is to come to the rescue in the nick of time with the appropriate remedies, thus scaring the public into increasing our budget,” said an official within the department.

This new strategy has the support of the prison industry, the road-tools industry, the construction industry, the boat industry, and the pharmaceutical industry. “Panic and mayhem are good for business,” the CEO of a major pharmaceutical corporation shared with this reporter. “They just make sense.”